Deaf and Dumb or Sex in the swimming pool

Why do people go to the gym? To exercise perhaps, to make new friends or even to find a new significant other?

Until yesterday I’d never thought about it – I would simply have said exercise. The only chance I get to swim and use my gym membership is really during my children’s swimming lessons when I do as many lengths up and down the pool as I can manage.

And then I  squeeze in a couple of extra length while my kids shower off at the side of the pool.

Each time I get to the end of the pool I check the kids are OK and whether or not they are ready to get out of the shower.

So yesterday I’m powering up and down (Ok taking it easy with some leisurely breast stroke) and there’s a guy standing at the end of the pool in the water doing some limbering up. And each time I talk to the kids, he says something to me which I can’t understand because I’m deaf and he’s not English.

But I take it to be something along the lines of:

“Aren’t your kids cute”

or maybe: “I’ve got a son that age” and so I smile politely and kind of nod and swim back up the pool.

So the final time I stop next to him and say, “Ok kids it’s time to go, let’s get out now” and this guy is still limbering up and he says, clear as a bell:

“You know, I really, really fancy you.”

I stutter slightly and am truly lost for words.

Remembering my manners after what seems like ages I reply:

“Er, I guess I should take that as a compliment. Ummm. Thank you.”

And he says: “Are you single?”

And I say , apologetically “No, I’m married and I have two children.” And I point at the children, whom he cannot have failed to notice as I have been talking to them on and off ever since he got in the pool.

(Please note, if you read yesterday’s post, that I point out that I am attached nice and early!)

“Oh,” he says looking really quite crestfallen which I cannot understand, given that he is quite attractive and unbelievably fit (and I know this as he is only wearing a pair of swimming trunks)  and I am almost certainly older than him – and  a lot less fit than almost every other woman who uses the gym (because I don’t actually use it!)

So I try to cheer him up.

No, I do not give him my phone number – lesson learned and I should point out that “boyfriend” and rival of shoe-shop boy became “husband” many years later!

But I tell swimming boy that I have lots of single friends – and smile in an optimistic, give-me-my-medication-now kind of way.

“No,” he says I think rather more sorrowfullly than is necessarily, “I’m only interested in you. Adding perhaps a little more realistically: “I don’t know why. I don’t know what it is.”

I can only agree. Because those of you who have met me will know that although I may look Ok in low light with makeup on, I am not the fresh faced mannequin that you see at the top of my blog. And on this occasion I am almost naked (not in a good way) with slightly red eyes from the chlorine and deep goggle marks round them as if I was being marked up for a eye-lift. In addition, I am wearing a saggy swimsuit where the lycra has given up and the foam cups have gone off message, so by the end of a swimming session I look as if I am the victim of a junior surgeon’s first attempt at breast implants.

And yet he repeats “I just fancy you so much.”

At this I recover my senses,  say “It’s nice to have met you” and “come along children,”and climb out of the pool trying to pull my drooping swimsuit down over my thighs – until I realise I’m now exposing even more of my boobs and their foam companions.

Now I know you are thinking: he must say this to everyone he meets and sometimes it must work. And I agree. But if I’d taken him up on it he would have had to shag me! No? What was he thinking?

Or maybe someone, who knew I was feeling a little bit down, paid him.

Whatever.  Once I was safely out of sight, I laughed and laughed. Not at him, poor misguided man (maybe he wears glasses when he’s not swimming and I was all a blur) but more at myself and the very rare event of me being absolutely speechless!





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18 Responses to Deaf and Dumb or Sex in the swimming pool

  1. SJ says:

    Aww cute guy, you kind of feel for him, well for about 5 minutes :) you have to give him credit for having the ‘balls’ to tell you as well. So much better than the usual leering and longing looks in an attempt to jedi mind force you to go out with them :)

  2. EmmaK says:

    Ha ha that was funny! Kudos to you for attracting a hottie but like you say he sounds a bit panting and desperate because he kept saying he fancied you as if it would suddenly make you cave to his charms. Well I have to say there is something about a swimming pool that makes men yes it is always men think it is okay to chat to you about all sorts of really boring things. Like the other day a guy started talking to me about his job at the local sewage museum – I mean really. But as for chat up lines yeah they usually say obscure things like “I really think you are good at breaststoke.” What are you meant to say back to that? Bizarre bunch!

  3. What great wit you have! And, such great descriptions – I had no trouble at all visualizing every moment here.
    Entertaining and funny!

  4. This is exactly why I don’t work out at co-ed clubs — haha!. Meat market. And also, too many mirrors! Who wants to look at themselves that much?

    I’m constantly amazed at how many men hit on me, everywhere I go! Especially when I run out as ‘messy girl’ with no make-up or anything. Very strange!

    In fact, when my boyfriend asked me out, I thought, “Wow! If I was rich or a virgin or something then this attention might make sense! But, it seems to actually be me that this gorgeous hunk of man is after!”

    Guys just like what they like and want what they want — enjoy it for what it is 😉

  5. jan says:

    Fascinating, who thought you could have an adventure while taking your kids to swim., Poor guy, I love that he was able to tell you what he thought. You have something he saw and ya know that is what it is. We often see beyond the physical, or maybe he just has an attraction to women in old bathing suits…..

  6. HonestMum says:

    Brilliant and having met you, you’re an attractive lady so in not surprised a hottie would fancy you. Go girl!

  7. I have never, in my entire life been chatted up in the gym or the pool. You are one hot MILF clearly!!!!!

  8. jenny paulin says:

    was this the first time you had met this hottie? good for you i say – even if he does say it to everyone he meets its till flattering especially if he was that fit! nice to know you can still cut it in the swimming pool! great read it really made me smile x

  9. You are obviously one hot mama! x

  10. Well done! :) (let’s just hope he won’t start stalking you every time you go swimming :|)

  11. Thank you for all these flattering comments! if only I didn’t blog anonymously I could show you how rough I really looked as I took a pic in the changing rooms as evidence for myself! I’m about to go swimming but at a different time of day so should be safe!

    • Siobhan R says:

      Your description of how you looked at the end of the session had me giggling. I always come out red eyed and ratty haired. He may have seen you at the beginning so knew what to expect once you’d had a chance to revive yourself?

  12. Hilarious! Ha ha ha, well clearly, you’ve still got it! bravo! hope you told your husband every last detail of the chat up too hee hee x

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  14. This made me all giddy too! Well done.

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  16. Katharine says:

    This is so funny! I was just googling ‘swimming Notting Hill’ to find a local swimming pool and came across this post. The quality of the writing had me hooked. Hilarious…

  17. Mari says:

    Hilarious, what a great start to last year, have you been back since? I’ve added this one to the BM best post 2012 😉

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